We Need a New Word

So I dropped off OldestSon yesterday at school.  It was a long ride there-5 hours but filled with laughing, bad snacks and good music.  We got to school and he was so happy.  I was so happy as well.  His roommates are great.  The room looked as if a bomb had come through.  People were happy to see him and even willing to trot down 4 flights of steps and help him bring more of his stuff upstairs. (POM doesn't carry stuff...).

But as happy as I was my heart was aching.  He was going to stay here.  Enough of the family being complete and my heart being all in one state--hell, usually in one room.  The three kids were not going to be in close orbit anymore.

I always thought there should be a word that explains this feeling.  I am so happy for my son I could burst.  I feel my heart grow when I see him that happy.  At the same time I am happy I am sad and have longing.

It's exactly the same feeling when I was so so so trying to get pregnant and it was taking longer than I had expected and friends would announce they were pregnant.  I was happy for them but yet sad for me.  Not jealous or envious.  Both feelings at once.  I would not ever deny these friends and my son happiness...Wish there was a good word.

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